Most of you reading this will have attended large Zoom meetings and know there is a mute button. It can be used to switch people off who are talking out of turn, too much, or are off-topic. Now wouldn’t this be fantastic if there were a mute button for ‘the people of many words’? Those people, known within the Bach flower community simply as “Heather”.

The Heather state means someone has a strong need to communicate what’s on their mind or share in great detail their experiences - or (worst case!) both. There is little sensitivity for the people they are talking to, or should I say talking at.

Little children in a Heather state are natural and healthy. They may come home from kindergarten or school bubbling with excitement about what happened, and their need to share with people close to them is a sign that they trust their attachment figures.

However, when adults talk and talk and talk, and are solely focused on themselves, they hinder interaction and negatively impact their relationships with other people. For this reason, Edward Bach put Heather in the loneliness group. In some ways, the Heather state is a childish state.

Recently, I met someone for the first time. I soon noticed how her narrative only had to do with herself, and that she did not play the ball back to me, having told me in detail about her life. The most fatal thing you can do when with a Heather person is to ask an empathetic question. So my skills as a practitioner, meaning trying to understand how someone feels, were counter-productive. More barrage came my way as a result of my questions. Soon, I was bemused, overwhelmed, and a bit numb. I withdrew.

Theory of Mind (ToM) seems to be ‘thin’ in Heather people. ToM means the cognitive ability to understand and attribute desires, intentions, beliefs, and emotions to oneself and others. ToM helps us predict and explain behaviour in social situations. Hence, ToM is a fundamental cognitive skill (often unconscious) which is crucial for social interaction. It enables effective communication, it facilitates relationship building, cooperation, and optimally navigating complex social dynamics. ToM allows you to grasp that others have their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, which may differ from yours. 

Apparently, it can develop quite early. I took my eldest grandson to the swimming pool a while back. As I fastened him into his car seat, I gently said he may ask “ARE WE NEARLY THERE?” a maximum of 3 times. (He has no qualms asking that question once a minute in the car, so that was my ToM being able to judge where he potentially is.) He went very quiet. After about 10 minutes, he said clearly, ‘I’m just asking myself if we’re nearly there.’ I had a good laugh; but what emotional intelligence that change of perspective, from himself to me, demonstrated. He’s five years old.

It doesn’t feel natural to me to ‘set boundaries’ early on in an interaction with a Heather person, or to force myself into the conversation to try to keep things more balanced. Chatting recently with my friend and colleague Lesley Cooke on this topic, she shared that she loses the will to talk when encountering a Heather person.

I still have not found a solution when dealing with ‘Heather’. I suspect the answer lies in gently confronting someone early in the interaction and pointing out ‘that is very interesting what you have to say (a white lie) but I also have the need to share a little bit.’ It’s work in progress; I have no solution – as yet. How do you navigate Heather people? Please tell me in the comments.

My book about the Bach flower remedies: One Person’s Journey.

My family research book: The Unspeakable.